Blame

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As shadows take over the dark cold night
As nightmares start changing dreams into fright
I wandered through the path of endless fear
Of sinful cheer and of eternal tears

I thought it would be just fine
So free and young, holding on the line
In a world so small, our roads should’ve crossed
Could’ve meet halfway, but I just got lost

After bliss, I vanish existence
Slowly I faded my own perseverance
But yes, I tried my best to carry on
Surviving, barely, and then it was gone

In light, I melt into humility
In haze, I suspect my own dignity
I blindly used my pride to hurt your heart
A life I ruined, breaking it apart

In confusion, I failed my promised quest
In hunger and war, I doubt my own test
A downfall of legacy I will wear
A mistake so infinite I will bear


*jvanooffee

If Only I Can End

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If only I can end the flow of my mind
Doubt will be little and be left behind
The war of thoughts will cease to a truce
With clarity in place, I can finally choose

If only I can end the longing for the lost
I shall sleep and dream all I can exhaust
No more chasing and seeking for long-dead reasons
No more staying and crying on short-lived seasons

If only I can end the noises within
I can forget the feelings I have seen
Never again I will hear my heart
Screaming and begging why it fell apart

If only I can end the painful hate
I would realize soon it was never too late
The thundering beast will learn to be tamed
The cold will freeze what ever is flamed

If only I can end this poem just right
Words will show the way to my light
Where my soul is struggling trying to pretend
Whispering and wishing, if only I can end…


*jvanooffee

Waves

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The sunset swallows the blue sky in hazy orange for the last minutes of its reign. The beach goes lazy as swimmers and surfers started to pack up or just chill by the seaside. The sand glows golden. The waves peacefully crashing. Every other thing just in the background.

“Will you come back?” I asked her, caught her staring again at the line where the sky meets the sea. Her beautiful blank face, lit by the sunset, showed either her worrying about what will happen next or just her dealing with plain uncertainty.

“I don’t… I wish, I want to.” She stumbled her words, like the first time we met. At this same beach, at this same time. “I just don’t want this to be over. I wish I could stay with you, be with you every day. But…”

She touched her blue pearl pendant resting around her neck.

I understood. And I also feel the same way about her leaving. The past few weeks has been my best yet. With her. I smiled solemnly.

“You have to go. It’s what brought you here in the first place. If you don’t go back to Deep Atlantis, you’ll lose your halo. You’ll never be an angel anymore.” I told her. I know that being an angel is her life. She devoted her soul to be of service to others as long as she lives. And I don’t want me, a meaningless surfer soul, to be the reason of her downfall. “Besides, maybe you can play your ‘magical’ lyre from there. At least, when I hear it, I know you are still there, reaching me.” I giggled.

She hugged me. Tight.

Her face in my chest. I know she started crying. No, not really crying. Just tears building up on her eyes. She is brave. She won’t cry in my chest. We don’t want that to happen.

I pulled her to look at me, her face cupped in my rough hands. I stared at her teary blue eyes. Her, trying hard not to break apart. Me, trying hard to hold her together. A broken angel never fulfills a duty. She needs to be whole, even if it means me losing parts of her I took.

“I’ll close my eyes.” I told her while remembering every corners of her sun-kissed face. Her eyes. Her lips. Her freckles and all. “I’ll count to ten. Go to the water and be the angel I met the day I died. Be the angel who never refuse to help. Be the angel I’ll always love. Be the angel that you are.”

I was sure she was breaking inside. Her eyes showed it all.

“But, please-” She wanted to say something. Last few parting words, maybe. I don’t want to hear it. She’ll be giving me parts of her again. And I don’t want that to happen. I closed my eyes.

“One…”

She cried. Her tears rolling on her cheeks, down to my hands.

“Two…”

She took my hands off her face and held it like she’ll never hold it again.

“Three…”

She kissed me. A kiss from a sea angel. It was short but I felt the familiar warmth of her lips for one more time. Maybe our last.

“Four… Five…”

She stood up and I felt her slowly walked towards the water. The sands where we sat shifted as her presence left.

“Six… Seven… Eight…”

Waves. All I can hear are the waves crashing back and forth. The same waves I loved. I half-heartedly chuckled to the idea that the waves that brought her to me, are the same waves taking her back. Was she never mine?

“Nine…”

I stopped counting and opened my eyes. I followed her footprints on the sand towards the water, just finding out it has already been wiped away by the sea. Damn it, waves.

I stood there alone, looking at the sunset fading in the horizon.

I whispered. “Ten.”


*jvanooffee

Empty Heart

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There was once an empty heart
With empty rooms and empty corners
Holding itself from falling apart
With nothing but nothing in its walls

In the past when it was young and full,
It knows what to feel, it knows what to be
But then it played the role of a fool
Slowly and painfully, draining out what it has

The empty heart grew with nothing inside
Beating but not living, it is barely warm
In every corner there is somewhere to hide
A little void of memories best kept behind

Empty because of the people it lost
Who made the rooms better than it was before
Who lived in it no matter what cost
Then walked out and left what they value most

Empty because of the love forgotten
Of heartbreaks and heartaches it flawlessly crafted
For it only knows how the word is spoken
But will never learn what does it mean

Empty because of the feeling unfelt
Too much writings on its wall, made it unclear
As true suffering and damage is being dealt
It becomes colder and number until it forgets

Empty because of the mistakes unforgiven
Like stale air waiting to be blown
Expecting forever for the agony to end
Lying just right there yet no one cared

This empty heart with empty rooms
Sought to be filled and be alive
But nothing can stop a storming gloom
Unless these rooms get fortified

This empty heart with empty corners
Just wishes for the best as it lives
Taking in every moment of wonders
To keep the woe of emptiness within


*jvanooffee

Keep Love Play

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I saw you sitting there
In a coffee shop, waiting for me
I still remember that first stare
Those eyes meant for me to see

I never thought we’d be so free
Like there’s nothing else around
For this locked heart, you had the key
Revealing what can be rarely found

With you, my spirit soars unbound
Singing out loud for the music is true
Walking with our thoughts going around
Dancing to the rhythym without any clue

I am in gray, you wear blue
And we explore in colorful ways
Doing them now better with you
Giving me my most blissful days

Please don’t stop, keep it in play
Hold my hand. Never feel sorry.
My heart beats for every word you say
Writing with love. Our story.


*jvanooffee

Do We Know Love?

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The greatest mystery ever crafted
The vague dimension of limits and probability
The heaviest load every being has lifted
The wrinkled road to life’s harmony

No one can trace the addictive pulse
Nor put a stop to the beating inside
For it is the wanted truth among the false
A crazy little thing no one can ever subside

Deep within it blooms steady and wild
Bonding spirits and feeding the mind
Creating worlds for those dreaming defiled
Playing loops for those wishing rewind

Heroes do fall by taking its quest
Weakening the pillars of self-respect
Fools were hatched out of its nest
Shading a sky full of regrets

The sparks grow fiery in desire
Shattering the walls of innocence and purity
Once it bursts into millions of fire
Calling will be heard to test true fragility

Learning it gives glory and grace
Guiding the lost in cruelty’s maze
Nothing can match its complex ways
Designing the best and heavenly days

It seeks the missing piece of content
Soaring the vastness of possibilities
It lives through believing the soul’s intent
Bending the rigid line of causalities

Words cannot define its firm reality
Transcending the borders of strong philosophy
Trusting on it entails ambiguity
Living with it upholds eternity


*jvanooffee