When the Lights Go Out

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What happens when the lights go out?

Darkness swallows the space.

You go wondering what is hiding in the dark.
You don’t know who is watching in the dark.

Cold creeps on to your feet.
Stopping you to move to where you want.
Heck, you don’t even know where you are.

You can’t see yourself.
Your hands.
Your feet.
Your body.

You can’t even call your shadow to be with you.

Senses go wild in the absence of light.
So wild, you can’t even control them, can’t even obey your mind.

The mind builds a fortress, imagined security.
But then gets destroyed by shades, uncertainty.

You’re finding something, someone, somehow.
Yet you are lost, no clues except for the things you feel.
Even the sound gets hollowed as it comes from nothing.
Because in the dark, everything is nothing but imagined.

Still, you believe you’ll find what you want.
You believe it is there somewhere in the dark.
You believe that it is close to you.
You believe that you’ll see it again.

You believed wrong.

Even if you can still feel it, with hope and no doubt
Anything will be lost, when the lights go out.


*jvanooffee

We Took The Fall

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I had a dream.

I had a dream about me falling from the sky.

I had a dream of feeling the winds seemingly passing through every part of my body.

Free falling. A thing some people would really want to try.

Being with you for the past years of my wandering life, was free falling. The kind I would really want to try.

Thousands of feet up above, floating like some lost balloon. Left out to just fly aimlessly. Go up until I can’t, or be blown by the ever-changing blows of the wind. Becoming weightless and senseless. Until my view of the ground is just white, blue, some greens. Until the ground curves into the atmosphere. Until I realize that down there is more of Earth, more of them. One less of me. Up high I am alone, isolated from below.

There was me wishing I could get back on the ground. Feel its solidity. Feel its richness. Feel its warmth. But how? How when all you can do is go up and float? Becoming weightless. No gravity.

Then you grabbed me. Pulled me down. I felt you asking me to go ground. You helped me stop floating. You were my weight. You gave me back my sense of gravity. Being with you is gravity. Making me feel all of down there, all of Earth, once again. With you, I belong.

Yearning for the feel of the soil under my feet, I held on to you. Giving me back my own weight. My own me. I will be back. I am part of them.

But as I regained myself, so is the thought of me falling hard. My regained sense doubled our speed downward. Free falling faster as we approached the ground. Free falling to the thought of me going back. Free falling to the assumption that once we hit ground, you’ll be gone. Free falling.

For a second I wished to be back up there again. Weightless. Senseless. Non-existent on Earth. Until you told me, the ground is where you belong. It is where you have gravity. It is where we have you. It is where you have you.

So I closed my eyes. Felt the last seconds of free falling, with you. My life has been leading to this free falling. It was meant for me to free fall with you.

At that moment, I decided. You decided. We decided.

We took the fall.


*jvanooffee

Within 17

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It’s 3 a.m. and caffeine is in my blood.

My body is tired, so is my mind.
Unlike my body resting in the bed,
my mind won’t retire,
wanting to be free.
Maybe it’s caffeine, it separates your mind from exhaustion.
Because when the mind gets its chance, it will never stop thinking.
From the feeling of hunger to you who I think of.
My mind won’t rest until it gives up.
The mind hears voices not from this world.

Every mind does.

Such voices are inevitable,
using your mind,
planting seeds in your mind,
crumbling your mind.
Your mind wants to vanish the voices but it can’t do anything.
Even if you sleep, for sure tomorrow they’ll be back.

No, you just want to stop thinking.

You exhaust your mind until nothing comes out of it.

You just want to end the pain of cyclic remembrance of the things you’ve done.
You just want to stop the agony you caused.
You just want to think of nothing.
You just want to be nothing.

You just want to use up the remaining caffeine.
3:17 a.m.


*jvanooffee