life

A Lifetime of Self

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It takes a lifetime to realize life
The self will just know when it will arrive
Long is the road towards soul’s worth
And until now, my self only knows worse

Ever since I started I never understand
The why’s and the how’s of being the self
It pains me to learn and to satisfy demand
With no one to hold and no answers with help

My lifetime has been all about this load
Resting and growing, in my shoulder it shouts
I barely survived crossing deadly roads
In a game where I can never be out

The self wants to fight and continue to walk
But the mind, the body, the soul begs to stop
The heart is silent with reasons to talk
The evil is edging, waiting for time is up

Life  is for those who are fit and strong
Those who are someone, beings of light
Me, I am no one. Always on the wrong
Burning out of life, trying to make right

It takes a lifetime to realize life
And the self will just know when it will never arrive

*jvanooffee

We Took The Fall

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I had a dream.

I had a dream about me falling from the sky.

I had a dream of feeling the winds seemingly passing through every part of my body.

Free falling. A thing some people would really want to try.

Being with you for the past years of my wandering life, was free falling. The kind I would really want to try.

Thousands of feet up above, floating like some lost balloon. Left out to just fly aimlessly. Go up until I can’t, or be blown by the ever-changing blows of the wind. Becoming weightless and senseless. Until my view of the ground is just white, blue, some greens. Until the ground curves into the atmosphere. Until I realize that down there is more of Earth, more of them. One less of me. Up high I am alone, isolated from below.

There was me wishing I could get back on the ground. Feel its solidity. Feel its richness. Feel its warmth. But how? How when all you can do is go up and float? Becoming weightless. No gravity.

Then you grabbed me. Pulled me down. I felt you asking me to go ground. You helped me stop floating. You were my weight. You gave me back my sense of gravity. Being with you is gravity. Making me feel all of down there, all of Earth, once again. With you, I belong.

Yearning for the feel of the soil under my feet, I held on to you. Giving me back my own weight. My own me. I will be back. I am part of them.

But as I regained myself, so is the thought of me falling hard. My regained sense doubled our speed downward. Free falling faster as we approached the ground. Free falling to the thought of me going back. Free falling to the assumption that once we hit ground, you’ll be gone. Free falling.

For a second I wished to be back up there again. Weightless. Senseless. Non-existent on Earth. Until you told me, the ground is where you belong. It is where you have gravity. It is where we have you. It is where you have you.

So I closed my eyes. Felt the last seconds of free falling, with you. My life has been leading to this free falling. It was meant for me to free fall with you.

At that moment, I decided. You decided. We decided.

We took the fall.

*jvanooffee

Write with The feet

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As we did something wrong, we’ll never forget
What we do is go down and fret
To the deepest caves inside our hearts
To the farthest corners, from everyone apart
We cry a lot, inside and out
Kept wondering what it is about
Yet, we don’t know the answer we madly want
And still feel the sharpest sadness, the others can’t
Next is We overthink, We overdo, We overreact
But what else can we do stop, it is The Fact
We feel life runs out, we cannot pace up
Drowning ourselves to the bottom of the cup
Everything fell apart is what we assume
‘Coz it is all our mind and heart can consume
Until we go over the limit ourselves
Only pain can take away the Pain that dwells
We hurt ourselves waiting for the Crimson to drop
Agony ceases along with the loudest throb
We want more, we want to cross the line
Thinking, over there will be just fine
In Time, we Love to do things for all the bshit(s)
The truth hurts, it isn’t worth it.

*jvanooffee

Unspoken

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Pardon my words for they are wonders
Pardon my thoughts for they cannot die
Judge my actions for going under
Leave my feelings for chasing goodbye
Try chasing stars in a stormy night
Go dive the depths without air
Save yourself with blinded sight
Make me think it has always been fair
It is only through failure we realize
The doubts and fears of losing it all
These mistakes are fallen desires
Undeserving of chances we took the fall
In the end let silence reign
Where unspoken words cut deep within
Some broken hearts can never be fixed
Some stars out there can never be seen

*jvanooffee

What We Are

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Steps do count on our everyday
Thrusting ourselves forward in life
Every move we make, every word we say
Binds ourselves to happiness and strife

Series of choices are laid in front
Often we choose what our soul can hold
Playing safe we go for blunt
Rarely risking through the cold

Identity is what we invest
What people see and what we defend
Striving to be the best among the rest
Forgetting little things in the end

One second you feel all is fine
Another second you’ll realize it is not
They will tell you to focus on the line
But how can you if all are twisted in a knot

Life is a game of hide and seek
Our heart searches what we need
And when the game is on its peak
Only few surpass their speed

It is the bliss. It is the pain. It is the leap
Living is existing in true uncertainty
One wrong move and it cuts so deep
But for someone who made a choice, it is bravery

*jvanooffee

The poet who lost his words

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he does not even know how to start
nor how it will ever end
because words are his only way out
and now they do not work anymore
it was hard growing in fear
nurtured by fear
judging by fear
like it was the only thing in the world
words keep fears away
in words he can hide
in words he can create
in words he can get away
alone in those words a new start
new faces new voices
the firsts changed him to someone he is not
why succumb to them
because eyes are watching those alone
grateful but not content
smiling but tiring
happy but not him
the seconds came and what light came through
different but just the pieces he is looking for
it felt more thrilling
more fitting
natural blissful true
so true that he felt nothing is wrong
so true that he felt nothing will change
so true he became
from this point the snowball rolled
growing bigger and bigger
rolling faster and faster
him standing at the end
colliding with the snowball
impact so great it freezes everything
cold got into him
then silence came sharp
sleep is the pill
and the illusions started
eyes kept on watching
he felt it
different pieces pulling away
puzzles incomplete
the thirds were there at his nothing
to them it is all about numbers
that point he thought
maybe numbers are better than words
numbers provide
numbers measure
numbers count
and numbers he did
tried to forget and made the numbers up
numbers were all in him
but he knows deep inside
a flickering light
waiting to be out again
but eyes are watching
and numbers make them look away
so numbers he did
numbers bought him wings
shiny wings taking you everywhere
wings that made him happy again
wings that brought him closer to everything
but not quite
it did brought him everywhere
but not where he is supposed to be
not where he needs to be
then he realized he was not flying with it
those wings just made him flutter around
wings that are not meant to fly
left alone
he tries to go back
back with the words he grew up with
but no words came out
he tries but now it was senseless
words that are just letters
words that does not mean anything
words that block his way out
he realized by then
he lost them
he lost them deep within him
so deep because he buried it as
he needed to change for the firsts
escape from the seconds
and keep up with the thirds
layers above layers
until the flickering light is nothing
until he is nothing
he does not even know a word of hope
he does not even feel the reasons of love
he does not even see the good of faith
he lost his words

*jvanooffee